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These simple rules can be applied to virtually every male-female relationship. When a young man starts dating, he needs to know these things if he intends to prosper. Not that they'll help him all that much, but at least he'll have some insights into why he's failed miserably yet again.

1) Anyone you are attracted to will be married, shacked up, dating seriously, or has just discovered she's a lesbian.

2) Anyone you find particularly repulsive will find you to be irresistable.

3) Anyone you like who is unattached will meet someone she likes much better right after the first date.

3a) Sometimes just before.

3b) Sometimes during.

4) Premarital sex is probably a good idea, because once you're married she'll have a headache.

5) All women are crazy.

6) All men are obsessed with sex.

7) Re: Rules 5 & 6 — learn to live with it.

8) A hopeless relationship with a live woman is still better than staying home with your collection of old Hustler centefolds. Hope springs eternal, and old magazines get sticky and hard to open.

9) Learn very early that, "Oh, look, they've just opened a new McDonald's on that corner" is not just a casual observation. You will be punished severely if you don't figure out that she means, "I'm hungry. Feed me."

10) If you're male, you're wrong. Period. It doesn't matter if you're right, you're still wrong.

11) The most frightening words in the female vocabulary are, "We need to talk." It doesn't matter what she wants to talk about, you're not going to like it.

12) Even if your girlfriend is a CPA, she will still over-estimate your annual income by at least 35%. This is true even if she does your taxes and knows the actual amount to the penny. If you marry her, she will spend your income based on her estimate and not on the actual amount.

12a) In any marriage, there are always two categories of money, "her money" and "our money." Anything she earns is "her money." Anything you earn is "our money." Her money will be used for all those nice things women enjoy. "Our money" will be used to pay the mortgage, the car payments, insurance, buy groceries, pay school tuition and every other household and marital expense. This will leave you constantly broke while she will have built up a nice nest-egg to fall back on when she dumps you and runs off with the tennis pro.

13) Women like to be reminded that you find them attractive. If you fail to do so on a regular basis, you may find you need the Hustler subscription after all.

14) All enjoyable male activities are boring, inane, or repulsive to women.

15) If there is any activity you particularly dislike, she will want to do it a lot.

15b) Pretending you hate sex doesn't work. She'll know you're lying and you still won't get any.